Move Over Johnny Cochran!!!

"Several years ago, I read the results of an opinion poll that asked Americans to name their favorite lawyers. Perhaps it was telling that two of the top five--Atticus Finch and Perry Mason--are not real people.

That made me feel better about the fact that my favorite lawyer is also fictional–-Lionel Hutz of The Simpsons.

Hutz is a graduate of, well, several law schools. In different episodes of the show, he claims to have earned his law degree at Yale, Harvard, MIT, Oxford, the Sorbonne and the Louvre.

Who knew that Harvard has a law school?

Hutz works at the Springfield Mall office of I Can’t Believe It’s a Law Firm. Their motto? 'Cases won in 30 minutes or your pizza is free!' A cigarette-smoking monkey statuette is the gift given to new clients who stop by for an initial consultation.

The self-proclaimed 'law-talking guy,' Hutz knows what to say and when to say it. Starting with communications with those he represents, he’s skillful at getting clients to relax and feel confident in his representation:


'Mr. Simpson, don’t you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn’t on, but I think I got the gist of it.'

'Don’t worry, Homer, I have a foolproof strategy to get you out of here. Surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. The judge won’t know what hit him.'

'Don’t you worry. I’ve argued in front of every judge in this state-–often as a lawyer.'

'Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.'

'That’s the downside. Now here’s the good part. You can ching-ching-ching cash in on this tragedy.'


At other times, Hutz says something that makes his clients feel a bit less confident that they’ve retained the right attorney.


'How about that! I looked something up! These law books behind me don’t just make the office look good; they’re filled with useful legal tidbits.'

'Well, [the judge] has kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son." '

'Mr. Simpson, I couldn’t help overhearing that you need a baby sitter. Of course, being a highly skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.'

'I’ll be defending you on the charge of ... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I’ll be famous!'

'I’ll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private. You stick your nose in, you’ll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.'

In response to a judge asking Hutz if he has any evidence to offer the court: 'Well, your honor, we’ve had plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence.'


Then there are these final words of wisdom that seal Lionel Hutz’s status as my No. 1 favorite attorney:


'She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing the "play" button on this VCR. Pretty sweet, eh?'

'Ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to prove to you not only that [the defendant] is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty.'

In response to Bart Simpson saying, 'Mr. Hutz, when I grow up I want to be a lawyer just like you.' Hutz: 'Good for you, son. If there’s one thing America needs, it’s more lawyers.'


From: Hutz: My Favorite Attorney at Law
Move Over Gerry Spence, Springfield’s Best Is Here!

By The Rodent"